Capitaan dildo arrescate!
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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