Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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