My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
