somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
