Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
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