She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
