Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I just found puke in my bra..
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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