I'm laying in your front yard are you home
he told me I talked like a deaf person
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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