We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Randomize
