while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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