this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
