yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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