Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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