you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I was not drunk enough for that final.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
