i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
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