Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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