Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
