So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
