im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize