Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
they need to just BURY HIM!
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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