Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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