I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize