Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
