today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
