i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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