nut hugger
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
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