sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
