She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
