She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
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