The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
