i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
