he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
