Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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