I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
