Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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