and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
