Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
