I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
