yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
farters have to be the big spoon...
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize