I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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