the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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