EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Randomize
