i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize
