After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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