I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
