Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
