Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize