So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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