Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You were trust falling into bushes
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
