I think I died a long time ago.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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