Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Randomize
