I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
