why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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