im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
