I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Come share oat with me in your robe
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
