Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Randomize
