just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
