yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
