I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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