were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
