I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
