Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
