I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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